SEATTLE, WA — A house burned to the ground this week in Seattle after an argument broke out among firefighters over whose responsibility it was to put out the blaze.

Charles Beakman, a member of the fire crew, offered clarification when reached for comment.

“Well, it basically comes down to this,” Beakman explained. “I’m responsible for the hose platform team. I build the hose and develop the tools in a scalable manner. But at the end of the day, I’m a platform team — I’m not responsible for how the department uses the hose.”

Wearing full firefighter gear and standing in front of a firetruck with fully functional hoses, Beakman added, “Jeez, I sure wish somebody could do something about that,” as flames consumed the home behind him. “It’s a shame the department can’t get it together.”

Another firefighter, who insisted on being referred to only as the "Chief Product Officer of Ignited Substances Moisture Delivery," spoke on the condition of anonymity to explain why they refused to use the hose Beakman had prepared. “Honestly, I just don’t agree with Beakman’s hose setup,” the firefighter said. “I’d rather build my own system, like I did at my previous department — much more efficient.”

City officials are both perplexed and irate over the department’s handling of the situation, which led to $7 million in damages. A roadmap item has now been scheduled for the next quarter to discuss hose usage protocols and responsibility matrices.