Company No Longer Provides Free Celsius; Shareholder Value Drops $200M
CHICAGO, IL — LoopBetAI, a Chicago-based sports gambling platform, is reeling this week after a massive stakeholder selloff stemmed from a tweet by an engineer noting that the company had removed Celsius energy drinks from the office fridge, which now reportedly contains only half a carton of oat milk and a few cans of coconut LaCroix.
The selloff was reportedly driven by a lack of confidence in the company’s growth. Speaking off the record, one investor said,
"Look, all I'm saying is nobody ever shipped great software drinking out of a fucking Keurig. Get in the game or get out. If my boys aren’t drinking Playa Beach Celsius, then I’m not going to Playa Reach for my wallet, if you know what I’m saying."
Representatives for the company did not respond to comment, though internal reports show that IT vending contracts indicate a broader plan to transition all 4,000 personnel from MacBook Pros to Acer netbooks.
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